Finances

Finances

“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts:financial worries.”     — Jules Renard

“I never had a penny to my name. So I changed my name.”
– Henny Youngman

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
– Woody Allen.

“I’m not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I’m a billionaire.”             — Howard Hughes.

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” -Douglas Adams.

“I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.”                — Clinton Jones.

Free Kittens – Funny Jokes

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign ‘FREE KITTENS’ next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It’s Senator Obama.

‘Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?’ he asked.

‘Kittens’ Little Mary Pat says. ‘They’re so small, their eyes are not even open yet.’

‘What kind of kittens are they?’ he asked.

‘Democrats’ says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the ‘FREE KITTENS’ sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.

‘Now, don’t be frightened,’ he said, ‘I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you’re giving away today.’

‘Yes sir,’ Mary Pat said, ‘They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.’

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, ‘But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.’

Little Mary Pat says, ‘Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.’

Jokes Funny Jokes – The Conductor

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the
bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.
After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on
the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies
instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds
of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there,
smiling. According to tradition, this is consid- ered a reprieve from
God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets
when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the
offender’s neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12
pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket
of water, he tries everything but the conductor won’t die. So again, he
is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and
beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his profes- sional
pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him
his secret, “what is it with the bananas?”

“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies the man. “I’m just a bad conductor.”

Joke of the Day