Mother’s Day Jokes

Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

“Nothing,” said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, They don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you’.”

“Well don’t feel bad.” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

Mother’s Day Quotes

A mother understands what a child does not say.
- Unknown

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there’d be so many!
- Unknown

Mother’s Day Recipes

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate
- Unknown

WORKING MOTHER — Any mother who gets out of bed.

Mother’s Day Jokes

Funny Stories – Cat Humor

Funny Stories

Cat Humor

Kathee Austin

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

“Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”

“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”

“I play football, I can catch him.”

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.

The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Disclaimer:

I am a cool cat lover and admire the beauty of cats.  I would love to have a cat as a pet in my home.  I am, however, very allergic to cats!

My grand daughter Emily told her other grandma that I “love cats, but just don’t like the kind of cats that breathe.”  Kids say the darndest things!  I love live cats and am missing out in life by never having a cat to cuddle.

To compensate for my own loss of real live cats in my life, I have a huge cat collection; well over 400 at the time of this update.  I have small cats, large cats, tall cats, fat cats, cuddly cats, ceramic cats, cat figurines, stuffed cats, toy cats, cat pillows, cat blankets, cat pics, cat pictures, cat towels, cat candles, cat plates, cat cups.  I have curio cabinets dedicated to cats.

If any cat lover is offended by this joke, oh well. I can’t please all cat lovers all the time. I share this cat joke simply because I think this cat joke is unexpectedly funny and I do not consider it degrading to cats at all.  Afterall, I love cats.

Quotes About Cats

Funny Stories – Baseball in Heaven

Funny Stories

Baseball in Heaven

Humor Editor

Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. “Sam,” says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta’ do me one favor. When you go, somehow you’ve got to tell me if there’s baseball in heaven.”

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, “Moe, you’ve been my friend many years. This favor I’ll do for you.” And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, “Moe….Moe….”

“Who is it?” says Moe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Moe, it’s Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam!”

“Sam? Is that you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news,” says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven.”

“Really?” says Moe, “That’s wonderful! What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday!”

Funny Jokes

Priests Retirement Dinner

Funny Jokes

Priest’s Retirement Dinner

Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’…

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.’

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late