Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

Funny Jokes – Bee Sting

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’

Swine Flu Symptoms

Swine Flu Jokes

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Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu

1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing
5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
6. You develop a liking for truffles
7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
8. You emit short snorts between sentences
9. When friends visit you, they remark, “Man, this place is a pigsty!”
10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon

Source:  Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu

Quotes Sayings Recipes Jokes

SURGICAL REPAIR

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.”

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, “I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub.” Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little tougher – come back in six hours.

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s down at the soccer field.” Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.”

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, “I’m sorry, John died.”

Sam said, “I understand – heads are tough.”

The surgeon said, “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!”

Joke of the Day