Funny Jokes

What did God say after creating Eve? “Practice makes perfect.”

Funny Jokes

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Political Jokes – Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself, ‘when he comes home from school this afternoon,I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered, ‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’

Funny Jokes

His vacation

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life – until the boat sinks.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” “I rowed over from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware.” “How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain emperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” > No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a holloground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. “WOW! This woman is amazing,” he muses, “what next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing ‘nothing but vines’ strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. I know you’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes.He can’t believe what he’s hearing:

“You mean—“, he swallows excitedly, “We can watch football?

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Funny Jokes

Fred, the chicken farmer

A life-long city man, Fred decided to leave the rat-race, move to the country and become a chicken farmer, so he found a nice chicken farm and bought it. Turned out that his next door neighbour, a kind, generous man named Bob, was also a chicken farmer.

Bob came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”

Fred was thrilled. Two weeks later the Bob stopped by to see how things were going, and Fred said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”

Bob said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.”

Another two weeks went by, and Bob stops in again. Fred told him, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”

Astounded, Bob asked, “What went wrong? What did you do to them?”

Well, Fred said, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or not far apart enough.”

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Shipwrecked!!!

After a terrible storm, a sailor, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the sailor. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the sailor took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and during another storm, there was yet another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the sailor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the s ailor started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear…………”Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

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Rabbit Anyone???

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.”

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Shakespeare Quotes