Funny Jokes

Drinking

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid. Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto:

10. You get really good at singing E flat 9. You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures 8. You don’t really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive measures of E flat 7. If the choir really sucks, it’s unlikely the altos will be blamed 6. You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos 5. You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women who sing soprano just do so because they can’t read music 4. You can sometimes find part-time work singing tenor 3. Altos get all the good intervals 2. When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of a piece, the altos ALWAYS get the last word 1. When altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt Funny Quotes – Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P.. Jones Crocpkpot Recipes

Funny Jokes

Jewish woman

The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, “Oh, I see you have U.D.” She replied, “U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, “U.D. is Upper Deck.”

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.” Grandma replied, “O.C.? Voos is O.C.?”

The purser said, “O.C. is Outside Cabin.” Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said,”Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B.”

“B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?” asked grandma. The cabin boy answered, “B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed.”

“Oh” she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful.”

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, “F.U.C.K”

Shocked, they said, “F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?”, to which she replied, “Yes, F.U.C.K. Foist U Could Knock

Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

Golf joke

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”

3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

7. A “gimmie” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme” Putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve really reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work and both are Expensive.

15. The best wood in most golfers’ bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers … they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf… it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

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Funny Quotes – Insults

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
– George Jean Nathan

Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

New Years Eve Day

It was the early morning hours of New Year’s Eve, and the phone at our small post office rang constantly with people asking the postal clerk if there would be mail delivery that day. To put a stop to the interruptions, the clerk had the local radio station announce that there would be mail delivery.

She had a few moments’ peace after that, until the phone interrupted. “I just heard on the radio that there will be mail delivery today,” the voice on the other end said. “Is that true?”

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