Funny Jokes

I thought about making a fitness movie for old folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”

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Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle East, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says, “How would you define peace?”

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Funny Quotes – Insults

He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he’s gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
– Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford)

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God Is Watching…

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.” Quotes and Sayings
Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes – Insults

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
– George C. Scott

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Funny Quotes

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OLYMPIA, Wash. — What kind of friends coat your apartment — and nearly everything in it with tinfoil while you’re away? Here’s a hint: One of the only objects that escaped the shiny treatment was a book titled “Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends.” Chris Kirk found his downtown Olympia apartment encased in aluminum foil when he returned home Monday night from a trip to Los Angeles. The walls, ceiling, cabinets and everything in between shimmered, after the prank orchestrated by Kirk’s longtime friend, Luke Trerice, 26, who was staying in the apartment while Kirk was away. “He’s known for large-scale strangeness,” Kirk, 33, told The Olympian. “He warned me that he would be able to touch my stuff, but it didn’t sound so bad.” Trerice, who lives in Las Vegas, and a small group of friends draped the apartment with about 4,000 square feet of aluminum foil, which cost about $100. Not surprisingly, the idea was hatched on New Year’s Eve. “It was just a spur of the moment thing,” Trerice said. “I really don’t even consider it art. I consider it a psychology project. … He seems to be upbeat, so I consider this a success. ” No detail was too small or too time-consuming. The toilet paper was unrolled, wrapped in foil, then rolled back up again. The friends covered Kirk’s book and compact disc collections but made sure each CD case could open and shut normally. They even used foil on each coin in Kirk’s spare change. And to sweeten the theme, they left silver Hershey’s kisses sprinkled throughout the apartment. “The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time,” Trerice said. Aside from “Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends,” which doesn’t include this particular trick, only a portrait of his girlfriend, the bed and a bath mat were left unfoiled. “He took special pains not to move anything,” Kirk said. A foil-encased picture hanging outside his apartment was Kirk’s first clue that something inside was amiss. “I heard him open the door and gasp and start laughing,” said Beth Kelly, who lives in an apartment down the hall. “I love the quarters. It’s almost more funny realizing the things that were left unwrapped.” Andras Jones, who lives on the same floor, became curious about what was transpiring in Kirk’s apartment as he noticed “a parade of strange characters” going in and out. Since Kirk’s return the entire building has been buzzing about the transformation, Jones said. “There’s a party atmosphere down by the room,” Jones said. “Of course, everyone has their favorite part. I think the kitchen is just amazing.” Kirk’s awestruck neighbors and friends kept him up until late Monday night. He hasn’t started unpacking his belongings and isn’t sure when he will. ” “As I was trying to sleep last night, I realized that, actually, it’s creepy,” Kirk said. And as for whether Trerice will ever be allowed to stay again at the apartment unsupervised, Kirk said: “I don’t know. We’ll see.” But Trerice hopes Kirk will find a way to get him back. “I’m going to be insulted if he doesn’t try,” Trerice said. “It’s kind of a challenge.”

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When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid. Funny Jokes