US Navy SEAL #tcot

God and the Atheist

Funny Jokes #TCOT

A US Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.”

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Navy SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him in the face, knocking him off the platform. The professor was totally unconscious, I mean out cold!

The SEAL then went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Navy SEAL and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The SEAL calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap like that and act like an asshole. So He sent me!”

Jokes Funny

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Earmuffs

Funny Jokes

Winters were fierce where the estate owner lived, so he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”

The foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”

“Why don’t you wear them?”

The foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him!  Never again, never again!”

TOP 17 SIGNS YOURS PSYCHIC IS A PHONEY

TOP 17 SIGNS YOURS PSYCHIC IS A PHONEY

17. Keeps shaking black “crystal ball,” then saying, “Ask again later.”
16. Tells you you’re going to die but doesn’t exactly know when or how.
15. Every time you draw the Death card, she yells “Go Fish!”
14. Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
13. Brunswick insignia on “crystal ball.”
12. His idea of an “out of body experience” involves whipped cream and women’s clothing.
11. During séance, shouts in voice of Wolfman Jack, “Milli Vanilli will be back!”
10. His spoon bending requires two pliers.
9. Sign in window: “As Seen on ’60 Minutes.”
8. During card-reading, asks if you want to “hit” or “stand.”
7. Insists that your astrological sign is “The Armadillo.”
6. Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
5. Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
4. Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
3. Easily fooled by ‘Can of Snakes’ gag.
2. “Ethereal Aroma of the Kindred Spirits” effect during séance only occurs after a chili-dog lunch.
1. Just keeps saying in his Mr. T voice, “My prediction: Pain!”

Funny-Jokes

Answering Machine Messages

Answering Machine Messages

Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Answering Machine Messages