FALLING DOWN DRUNK

FALLING DOWN DRUNK

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood
up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

He thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

Answering Machine Messages

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Answering Machine Messages

Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Answering Machine Messages

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks “This guy is pretty pretentious” and  proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, “This isn’t twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch”

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he’s talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old drunk guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

“This is piss!” he yells.

The old drunk nods and says, “Yeah, but how old am I?”

REDNECK HOLYWATER

REDNECK HOLYWATER

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles.

A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied “Well, I’m a just shakin’ the most powerful liquid in the world, it’s called turpentine.”

The Priest said, “No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.” If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby boy.”

The little boy replied, “Shoot, that ain’t nothin’. You take some of  this here turpentine and rub it on a cat’s ass, he’ll pass a motorcycle.”

Answering Machine Messages

(With loud music playing in the background) “Hello… HELLO?? I can’t hear you! What? Oh.. we’re not home, leave a message.

Answering Machine Messages

Answering Machine Messages

(In funny old lady voice) Hello, you have reached the —-family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we’re done shopping.

Funny old jokes – The biker (An oldie but goodie)

Funny Jokes

Funny Old Jokes

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feedstore/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old lady home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Another Funny Jokes Blog

Funny Jokes – SMART DOG and the Butcher

Funny Jokes – SMART DOG and the Butcher

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

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So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?

This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever? This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”