New Stock Market Terms

Funny Jokes

New Stock Market Terms

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Priests Retirement Dinner

Funny Jokes

Priest’s Retirement Dinner

Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’…

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.’

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Cleaning Poem

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I’d been ‘computering’,
And I had to answer ‘yes’

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house
And so I started cleaning up…
The smudges off my mouse

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick…
I was just admiring my work.
I didn’t mean to ‘click.’
But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night. <>

Nothing’s changed except my mouse
It’s very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess…
While I sit here on my hiney.

New Number

Funny Jokes

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason?
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.  When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”

The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”

The company got a new number the next day.

FAMOUS PEOPLE: JOB INTERVIEWS

Funny Jokes

JOKE:  FAMOUS PEOPLE: JOB INTERVIEWS
Julius Caesar – My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James – I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette – My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to
think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine – I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet – My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia – My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora – I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan – My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized
my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

MacBeth – Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who
would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva – What do you mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis – My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?

Funny Jokes – Buddy

Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”

Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!”  And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

Funny Jokes

Truth and the Fisherman

Fishermen and the Truth

A fisherman got such a reputation for stretching the truth that he bought a pair of scales and insisted on weighing every fish he caught in front of a witness.

All went well until, one day a doctor borrowed the scales to weigh a newborn baby. The baby weighed forty-seven pounds!

Funny Jokes