In Fighter Pilot Heaven:
Everybody’s a Captain except God…. He’s a Major.
You only come to work when you’re going to fly….
You fly three times a day except Friday.
You never run out of gas.
The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
You can fly out of the area and flight down to 50′ AGL is approved.
There are no “over G’s”.
You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20′, then break left.
You can go cross-country anytime you desire. The farther the better!
There are no ORI’s (Operational Readiness Inspections).
There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.
There are no Friday meetings, but Friday evening “Stag Bar” is mandatory.
There are no Flight Surgeons.
There are no Wing staff jobs.
You don’t need a kitchen pass, and the kitchen and bar are always open.
“Happy Hour” begins at 1400 hours and lasts til 0200 hours.
Supersof is the bartender. The other five are big-bosomed blondes.
Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels, and Beefeaters.
The girls are all friendly and each fighter pilot is allowed three.
There are no fat women and the thin ones look like Sophia Loren.
Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
The craps tables are always HOT and you never lose at blackjack!
You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded at the club.
The sun always shines and you can put your hat in your leg pocket.
Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
The motor pool always provides a staff car for visiting fighter pilots.
The Base Exchange always has every item you ask for. Most are free.
There are never any cross-wind landings and the runways are always dry.
Control tower flybys for a wheels UP check can be made at 600 knots.
There are never any noise complaints.
Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
ER’s (Efficiency Reports) always contain the statement “Outstanding Officer”.
Formal functions requiring Class “A” or formal attire never occur.