Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

Advertisements

4th of July Jokes

4th of July Jokes

Funny Jokes4th of July Jokes

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington’s favorite tree?
The infantry!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

4th of July Quotes

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of ’76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

4th of July Quotes

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

What march would you play at a jungle parade?
“Tarzan Stripes Forever”!

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they’re both cracked!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Fourth of July Recipes

Funny Jokes – Bee Sting

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’

I’ll hold your monkey for you

Funny Jokes …

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off.

Go ahead; I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Daily Joke – Memorial Day

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go.”

* Airplanes don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good.

Army – Air Force

There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals”

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”

The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to come.”

Mother’s Day Jokes

Mother’s Day Jokes

Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

“Nothing,” said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, They don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you’.”

“Well don’t feel bad.” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

Mother’s Day Quotes

A mother understands what a child does not say.
– Unknown

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there’d be so many!
– Unknown

Mother’s Day Recipes


My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate
– Unknown

WORKING MOTHER — Any mother who gets out of bed.

Mother’s Day Jokes