Posted on July 25, 2009 by quotes
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten
downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over
the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large,
delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the
smallest steaks they’d ever seen.
“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter.
“Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak.
Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?”
“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the
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Posted on July 23, 2009 by quotes
Modern age grocery store
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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Posted on July 22, 2009 by quotes
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
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Posted on July 21, 2009 by quotes
A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.
Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discovered
it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the
homeowner had just called them in a panic.
It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
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Posted on July 20, 2009 by quotes
At a Cafeteria
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”
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Posted on July 19, 2009 by quotes
An old hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up in his big book and says, “I’m sorry, but you’ll be going down to Hell.” The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.
“God!” he says. “What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we’d be in Heaven together forever!”
God thought for a minute, then said, “Oh yeah, but I was drunk.”
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Posted on July 18, 2009 by quotes
TRIX RABBIT 1958-2006
On August 17, 2006 the famous Trix rabbit finally got the children’s cereal he so craved, and was able to eat it without anyone stopping him. Within minutes, he went into toxic shock and died. Unbeknownst to him, many ingredients in the cereal were poisonous to rabbits.
“We tried again and again to warn him,” said a little girl named Ashley
Murphy while fighting back tears, “Trix are for kids. He must have thought we were just being mean.”
“We heard a horrible gurgling sound, and ran into the room. The poor guy was turning every color of the rainbow, was breaking out in hives, and struggling to breathe. He then started convulsing”, said General Mills employee Billy Smith. “By the time the veterinarian ambulance arrived, it was tool late. He was already gone.”
The rabbit was just a little bunny when he first auditioned for the role of the Trix Cereal official mascot on August 4, 1959. It was his first, and only job. He had just observed his forty-seventh anniversary with General Mills, and plans for his fiftieth were already being discussed. Now, it will never happen. The silly rabbit will be sorely missed.
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