Holiday Gift Wrap

Wrapping Paper for the Holidays

A gift this week from a friend was wrapped in thick blue paper with this printed statement repeated in a pattern all over the gift wrap.

Have a Satisfactory
Non-Denominational
Capitalist Wintertime
Gift-Giving Season

Funny Jokes

Funny Scrooge Joke

YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:
– Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
– You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
– You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
– Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
– Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.
– Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.
– You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
– You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
– Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
– Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
– Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
– You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
– Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
– You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
– Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.
– Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir.
– Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Funny Christmas Holiday Jokes

If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire, what would they name their child? –  Frostbite

What would you call Frosty the Snowman in May? – A puddle

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? – Snowflakes.

What?s worse than Rudolph with a cold? – Frosty with a fever

Where do snowmen keep their money? – In snowbanks!

What do snowmen wear on their heads? – Ice caps

What do snowmen eat for lunch? – Iceburgers

Where do snowmen go to dance? -Snowballs

How do snowmen travel around? – By iceicle

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? – You wake

up wet !

Trouble at the Airport

Trouble at the Airport

“Did you have trouble at the airport this week?

I had to throw away all my make-up.

They said it’s because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it’s an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry.

Maybe it’s not terrorism.

Maybe it’s Maybelline.”

– Jimmy Kimmel

Happy Holidays Merry Christmas

Funny Quotes

Funny Holiday Christmas Joke

Ah, Christmas!  Time to buy a dead tree and eat candy out of
your socks.

Funny Holiday Joke

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.  Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, then pour one level cup
and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.  At this point it’s best to make
sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup …just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor… Mix on
the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.  Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to
beat off the turner.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!!*

Funny Holiday Snowman Joke

I just put a sign on my lawn:
UNASSEMBLED SNOWMEN FOR SALE…. CHEAP!!!!