Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

Funny Jokes – Bee Sting

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’

Swine Flu Symptoms

Swine Flu Symptoms

Swine Flu Jokes

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Twitter

Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu

1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing
5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
6. You develop a liking for truffles
7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
8. You emit short snorts between sentences
9. When friends visit you, they remark, “Man, this place is a pigsty!”
10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon

Source:  Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu

Quotes Sayings Recipes Jokes

SURGICAL REPAIR

SURGICAL REPAIR

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.”

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, “I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub.” Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little tougher – come back in six hours.

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s down at the soccer field.” Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.”

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, “I’m sorry, John died.”

Sam said, “I understand – heads are tough.”

The surgeon said, “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!”

Joke of the Day

Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes

Irish Quotes

St. Patrick’s Day Quotes

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

– Irish Saying

Shortest Irish joke ever: Two Irishmen walk out of a bar

Q: What’s Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Patty O’Furniture!

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.

– Daryl Stout

Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

A. Gaelic breath.


Irish Recipes

Irish Jokes

Funny Joke

Economics 101
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, “I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?”

The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.” The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.” The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.” The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?” The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper. The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
“Congratulations! You now understand the stimulus bill.”

Funny Jokes

A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad; an
optimist hopes so…

“What does not kill me only makes me more cynical.”  By
Ryan Ayukawa

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, dig up
a chunk and turn it over to see.