Memorial Day – Daily Joke

Some Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy:

Study the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

Remind yourself every day: ‘it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure!

Clean your house ’till there’s absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.

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Funny Jokes – For Her Husband

For the Husband – Funny Jokes

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asks the clerk.

And she says, “Are you kidding?  He doesn’t even know yet that I’m going to shoot him!”

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I Love Her But…(a collection of men’s thoughts on their women)

… every so often, boom! she’s a brunette. Or I come home to a

redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.

–Cary, Seattle

… she’ll brush her teeth but she won’t go to the dentist. She

says she’s not afraid of the pain, she just doesn’t want to put

herself in the hands of any fellow who’d choose to be a dentist.

–Terence, Gary, Ind.

… she’s stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will

know she’s a natural blonde.

–Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

… she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.

-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

… it annoys her that our children look like me.

–James, New Orleans

… counting my wife and our teenage girls, that’s four women.

Somebody’s always got PMS.

–Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

… with five kids, I don’t have time to complain about my wife.

I don’t have time to notice her.

–Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

“Ex” Valentine’s

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for

his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of

cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have

anything for ex-wives.”

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an

‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”

“Really?”

“Yes sir. They’re called darts.”

Embarrassing Moments

“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to

release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to

grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance

from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving

*right now*, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma

that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!'”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even

the tellers stopped what they were doing!

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank

with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door

closed behind me were screams of laughter”

Call Back Later

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was run out, so she instructed her son to use his phone to pass along an urgent message to daddy, who is at work.
           

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a woman that picked up daddy’s phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
          
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work. Immediately upon seeing him, she gave him a hard slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap. People from the neighborhood rushed around to see what was going on.
                         
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the woman said to him when he called. Junior said, “The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later.”

Funny Jokes – Reunion

Funny Jokes – Reunion

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school
alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status – Not good

Wife’s Name – Plaintiff