Swine Flu Jokes

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes

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Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Source: Flu Jokes

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

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164 Responses

  1. Finally some good jokes around here!!! thank you!!

  2. lame

  3. [...] Swine Flu Jokes How to avoid the flu Swine Flu Jokes Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your [...] [...]

  4. now that was funny

  5. [...]  Swine Flu Jokes How to avoid the flu Swine Flu Jokes Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your [...] [...]

  6. [...] more Swine Flu humor go to Funny Jokes and smile your anxiety away. Elvira G. Aletta, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, wife, mom to two [...]

  7. Your remedy is the cure for whatever ails anyone anytime in life. I think I’ll try it this afternoon–again!

  8. What happens when someone gets the Swine Flu and Avian Flu? They see pigs flying.

    Everytime I hear SWINE flu and PANdemic I get a hankering for some bacon

  9. Awesome. I’d like to encourage you all to enter the Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest at Apocalypse Cakes. You could win an exotic chocolate pig! http://apocalypsecakes.wordpress.com/2009/04/27/name-the-swine-flu-cake-win-this-chocolate-pig/

  10. that wasn’t funny at all

  11. Really? … I think it’s not Joke, it’s very dangerous!

  12. very lame

  13. Cute, but I think the “Swine Flew” tshirt at morebusted.com is better (similar humor but more concise). The “Obligatory Swine Flu Funny Captioned Photo” posted on a number of different blogs is even better (the best “flu humor” I’ve run across).

  14. At the beginning I was like Wha–? This is a JOKE? But I got it at the end XD
    p1x31cr34t10n2

  15. not funny

  16. [...] Swine Flu Jokes How to avoid the flu Swine Flu Jokes Tweet This! Quotes Sayings Recipes Jokes Twitter Eat right! Make sure you get your [...] [...]

  17. This is serious business. My daughter woke up this morning with her hair in pigtails. Should we be worried?

  18. The best send up of the flu was the story of the Dreaded Lurgi (Spike Milligan: Goon Show) – at least THAT was funny.

  19. **wow finally some laughable jokes to read and laugh a lot**

    I have read it like 10 times and i still laugh when i read it.

  20. hahaha. good one!

  21. In your expert opinion. Is there one specific type of alcoholic beverage that by consuming will have a higher levels of beneficial anti-swine flu properties, than any other adult beverage ?

  22. There was a 1 man, a wife, and her husband.

    The wife said ‘oink’
    the man said ‘OMG SHE’S GOT SWINE FLU’
    the husband says ‘dont worry she always does that;’

  23. omg, thanks for passing this on. I’m pouring myself a glass of preventative medicine righ now.

  24. I woke up not feeling well so I phoned the Swine Flu helpline..… What a waste of time, couldn’t understand a word, all I got was crackling.

    My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should i be worried?

  25. [...] I’ll leave you with a smile. I found this on another blog. http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2009/04/27/swine-flu-jokes/ [...]

  26. I thnk i have swine flu…….i’ve come out in rashers

  27. Try putting on some oinkment!

  28. this is a joke of swine flu

    sarah: Mum i dont feel very well

    lica: let me feel your for head
    ahhhh!! you have swine flu ahhhh
    my child my child MY CHILD!!!!
    HELP ME MARK!!!

    mark: wait she has swine flu thats BRILLANT!!!!!

    lica: you are a bad dad

  29. Swine flu can’t touch me… I put up a red stop swine in front on my house!!!

  30. Been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu……but all I’m getting is crackling

  31. They say you can only catch swine flu through infected pigs………. I heard jack tweed was shitting himself

  32. I’ve heard the only cure is liberal application of this special oikment

  33. Haha, but I feel kinda bad for joking bout something so serious!

  34. Love Em!

  35. I suspect that Brandy works best but I have been drinking beer the last few days.

  36. You’d probably die of intoxication and hence that’s why no virus will get you!

  37. Then Brandy, it shall be.

    Thank you, for your life saving advice.

  38. There’s nothing funny about the swine flue, hell any flu…people have a sick sense of humor.

  39. Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu

    go to: http://www.bevoost.com/blog/?p=163

  40. which one is funny?

  41. Nah, not funny! Not a joke I look for relieving stress of the day.

  42. i dont know if i should laugh or cry. but seriously this flu is definitely dangerous. it takes lives!

  43. My mates got swine flu. I think hes just telling porkies though!

  44. This isn’t funny at all. How is post getting so much attention?

  45. Renier Van Loggerenberg Aporcalypse Sow?33 minutes ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · Show feedback (8)Hide feedback (8)
    You and Ulla Kelly like this.Ulla Kelly likes this.
    Ulla Kelly at 09:01 on 30 April
    i phoned their helpline … but all i got was crackling … Renier Van Loggerenberg at 09:08 on 30 April
    stop swining! Renier Van Loggerenberg at 09:10 on 30 April
    some call it Hammageddon Ulla Kelly at 09:11 on 30 April
    hehehe – check my fb status Renier Van Loggerenberg at 09:15 on 30 April
    pork is cheap

  46. [...] Wenn noch nicht SATT, liest HIER. [...]

  47. I think you should get tested for swine coz you’ve been out with a lot of pigs in your day!!!

  48. I think you should get tested for swine flu coz you’ve been out with a lot of pigs in your day!!!

  49. Thomson are doing a deal – £99 to Mexico, one day. Now thats not a deal to be sneezed at.

  50. Someone once said when a black man becomes president pigs will fly. Sure enough 100 days later.. “swine flew”

  51. that wasn’t a good joke.

  52. Are most people making drastic changes in your lives? Cancelling vacations this summer? If you would like to weigh in on the debate, check in at educlaytion.

  53. My Momma told me she wouldn’t let me start smoking Lucky Stripes until pigs flew.

    I just heard about this “swine flew.”

    Momma, I’m coming home!

  54. Iv heard you can only get swine flu if you have been in contact with an infected pig
    jack tweed must be shitting himself

  55. Here are some prescription bottle auxillary labels you might see soon:
    “Take with food or slop”
    “Take with a full bucket of water”
    “For the snout”
    “Look alike, oink alike” drugs

  56. I asked my wife “whats for tea”? she said you’ve got a pork belly and a pigs head, so were having salad

  57. Symptoms of swine flu – feeling Pinky and Perky

  58. NEWS FLASH!!!
    Kermit the frog just passed away from the swine flu. He caught it from eating Ms.Piggy out

  59. I will seek and find you
    I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
    I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan
    I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop
    I will exhaust you till your relieved when I’m finished
    And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days
    All my love,

    The Flu

  60. I woke up this morning with real flu symptoms; nausea, head-ache, sore eyes, sweating.

    But it was only wine fever!

  61. I love the people who come onto a “Swine Flu Jokes” site and then say “This is not funny, it’s a serious business, it kills people”. What did you expect on a Swine Flu Jokes Blog – medical advice and pious sympathy?

  62. [...] tip to Funny Jokes! Posted by Carlos Ferreira Filed in Humour ·Tags: Swine Flu No Comments [...]

  63. Lol thats funny! Anti-bacterial doesnt kill viruses hehe =p. It kills bacteria.

  64. swine flew over the cuckoos nest?

  65. I rang NHS direct and ran through my symptoms:

    I’ve a really sore eye; they said it could be a sty.
    I’ve a nasty rasher; they suggested I use some oinkment.
    I wanted them to send me a hambulance but they could hear me; the line was all crackling.

    I must have swine flu!

  66. I rang NHS direct and ran through my symptoms:

    I’ve a really sore eye; they said it could be a sty.
    I’ve a nasty rasher; they suggested I use some oinkment.
    I wanted them to send me a hambulance but they couldn’t hear me; the line was all crackling.

    I must have swine flu!

  67. “It was once said that a socialist would become President of the United
    States ‘when pigs fly’ – Indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency…
    SWINE FLU.”

  68. Man says to doctor– I think I have the swine flu.

    Doctor—- How long have you felt like this?

    ( Man makes a noise like a pig)

    Man—- For about a weeee….eek!

  69. Blonde wife calls husband, I’ve run out of petrol, Im so scared to fill-up coz of the swine flu. Hubby says daft mare its in Mexico not Texaco

  70. It was once sarcastically said that we’ll have a black president when pigs fly. 100 days into Obama’s presidency…….. Swine Flu!

  71. won a holiday to mexico – can’t go im pig sick

  72. ITS ABOUT TIME US CURLY TAIL PINK BASTARDS TOOK OVER THE WORLD, oink oink!!!

  73. Whoever thinks that is funny is a retard.

  74. I never thought that pigs could fly, but now swine flu!

  75. It won’t be so funny when one of their loved ones catches it.

  76. That was lame.

  77. xD That is funny. I had two friends talking to each other about this.
    Friend A: Swine flu is the pig’s revenge on the world.
    Friend B: Does that mean Jewish and Muslims are exempt from revenge? oO
    I just thought it was funny. xD

  78. They said pigs would fly before a black man would be president …….. well 100 days later swine flu.

  79. No worries, if I get the Swine Flu, I gots me some Oinkment!!! LOL

  80. i think instead of swine flu it should be called as pig flu like bird flu

  81. A bear, a lion and a pig meet in the forest.

    The bear said, “If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”

    The Lion said, “If I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is shivering with fear.”

    The pig said,”Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself.”

  82. People said that the end of the world would happen when a black man is president and pigs could fly.
    Well about 100 days after the 1st black man Obama is president “swine flu”. Guess the end is nearer than we thought.

  83. Sad News today in Muppet Land: Kermit the Frog died of swine flu yesterday because he finally ate out Miss Piggy.

  84. What does Swine Flu have in common with Raid? They’re both useful for getting rid of unwanted pests.

    What do you feed someone deathly ill from swine flu? Pancakes, pizzas, tortillas… and what ever else will slide under the quarantine door.

    They figured out a cure for swine flu… but they’re having a terrible time convincing the pigs to wear the little masks and wash their tiny hooves each time they sneeze.

    They’re slaughtering all the hogs in Egypt! It’s true. Boy, I’d sure hate to be a fat chick over there.

  85. What happened when the terrorists blew up the hog farm?
    Swine flew.

  86. I just heard that you can avoid swine flu if you don’t kiss any pigs? Guess I better cancel my membership to Match.com.

  87. I’m confused. The headlines keep talking about Swine Flew?
    Did they transport Bernie Madoff cross-country to a different penitentiary?

  88. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a Hell’s Angel?

    A Hell’s Angel won’t stay up all night getting drunk just to “ride a hog.”

  89. This thing is just like a poor script concocted during the recent writer’s strike. Didn’t we just see this movie a few years ago? Porky’s Revenge?

  90. There’s a new film noir horror flick opening soon, a collaboration between George Romero and Spielberg, kind of a cross between Chucky and Quarantine, about a small creature creating mischief, mayhem, and morbidity. The working title will be Hamlet… unless that one is already taken?

  91. I didn’t know pregnant pigs could read? Why else all the signs along the highway “Don’t Litter!”

  92. what happens if you get swine flu n bird flu at the same time?
    you see pigs fly.

  93. i hate swine flu! please be safe :) thanks for sharing this.

  94. nobody does it better than mother nature herself. Germs are with man for all eternity. For survival of lineage, best thing to do is to expose ourselves, parents, to them. That insures immunity or strong ability to survive for our progenitors. Have you been shielded? you are are probably a snap away from extinction! Coli forms for example, do you know that what can turn some people’s stomachs out, are somewhere else nothing at all?

    I had been a pig farm manager. Usually it was pigs being shielded from human flu. I think man should not tinker with nature unless man is sure of what he is doing. [Just a suspicion of course, over the existence of modern day very extra ordinary diseases.]

  95. nice joke… alcohol means vodca… Hahaha

  96. If you get swine flu just rub salt all over yourself – you’ll be cured!

  97. Its obamas fault they always said we would have a black president when pigs fly, 100 days in swine flu!

  98. Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu

    http://www.bevoost.com/?p=163

    (this is a corrected link by author)

  99. anyone heard katy perrys new song waking up in mexico?

    shut up and put your mask where your mouth is thats what you get for waking up in mexico

  100. Hi,
    Not sure if you heard this one before.

    Q: Why did the Mexican sneeze at his wife ?
    A: Tequila

  101. I tell you what..

    Judging by all your comments here it must be the SWINE OF THE TIMES !!

  102. I don’t have any jokes to add to this site but the ones on it have made me laugh and laugh. Crikey it is what we all do best – laugh in the face of adversity! I will be back.
    Oink !

  103. I called the local swine flu hotline but all I got was cracklings.

  104. My wife fell ill so I took her to the ER. As soon as she walked in, they desk clerk asked “swine flu”?

    My wife replied; “No, he drove. He’s parking the car”

  105. Good joke. Nice to get some cheer on a Sunday.

  106. it was once said a black man will become president “when pigs fly” and indeed 100 days into obama’s election Swine FLU(:

  107. These jokes are hilarious but the real joke is happening by creating so much media hype

  108. Check it out, Swine Flu: The Movie, coming to a country near you:

  109. This is more of a clever statement than a joke, Jokes typically are 1. funny 2. have a puchline 3. are not lame.

    Things that are not lame include: my art…so go check it out!

  110. Holy crapola, some people are way too serious. Who says you can’t joke about swine flu? You can laugh at anything you want, and it’s probably the best medicine. God, I can’t stand uptight people. Tell a lame joke and they’re sweating like a stuck pig….

  111. [...] have been getting a lot of hits from a link I posted in a comment at JokesFunny.wordpress.com so go check it out as [...]

  112. mate i think you need to see a doctor about this swine flu, i know you haven’t been to mexico but damn you been with some pigs in your time!

  113. this post is not funny not because light cannot be made of swine flu(Poky Pig that’s all folks) but because it is simply not funny

  114. porky pig

  115. I agree with Hipmonkey, why not joke about it. I’m British, we always make jokes and laugh at disasters (especially our own). It is in a way our coping mechanism.
    I was watching a wartime documentary last year with my American partner about the bombing of London during WWII. People were gathering in the underground stations and having a sing-song to keep their spirits up whilst their homes, businesses, factories etc were being bombed to pieces overhead.
    Night after night, city after city there was much more devastation than caused by 9/11 and the people sang. My American partner was stunned that people would react that way. I was not.
    Laugh at swine flu?
    Why not?
    It dosen’t mean you don’t care, it is just another way of coping. It got us (the British) through the worst of the war when we stood alone and did not seem to have much chance. It can help us through the Swine flu where we do have much more of a chance.

  116. I don’t think we should laugh at the pigs because they might be hurt and when I get hurt I don’t like people to laugh at me. Also the pigs are not to blame, it is their cells and they can’t control their cells.

    I drew some pictures on my website so people would understand, here http://www.cozymisery.com/?p=200

  117. they said we’d get a black president when pigs fly… while guess what swine flu

  118. Nice.

  119. TOP 10 HEADLINES FOR A SWINE FLU HUMORIST’S DEATH BY SWINE FLU

    http://www.bevoost.com/?p=273

  120. tHANKS FOR A FEW GOOD LAUGHS…………

  121. Thanks for a few good laughs……….

  122. Who will save our bacon?

  123. I’m welsh and on behalf of my country we can advice you wales is safe.
    We fuck sheep not pigs.

    No but seriously in the UK 500,000 people die from the normal flu

    In the UK 0 people have died from the swine flu.

    ‘Oh no what if it mutates with avian flu to make a super flu that destroys the world!’

    Thats not gonna happen.

  124. The Avian Flu is caused by Chicken and the Swine Flu is caused by Pork, This is why they are calling it the Frying-Pandemic!

  125. I rang the swine flu helpline but it was crackling!!

  126. I called the swine flu hotline but all i got was crackling!

  127. funny as heck

  128. hayden wright is a bum

  129. hayden = homeless vegetarian, loves mocha ftw

  130. The new H1N1 is a cross between human, bird and pig flu virus……So wearing a cross may prevent swine flu.

  131. hahaha thats actually funny

  132. If you’ll drink too much alcohol, you won’t have swine flu but you’ll have a hole in your stomach instead..lol

  133. I am a student nurse and today I found out that I have caught swine flu from one of my patients.

    Reading these has really made me laugh!

    All the people complaining need to lighten up!

  134. This little piggy went to market,
    This little piggy stayed at home,
    This little piggy had roast beef,
    This little piggy had none.
    And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1

    ahh how nursery rhymes are going to change this year.

    Even their stories…

    Big Bad Wolf: “Little pig, let me in, or I’ll huff, and i’ll puff and i’ll blow your house in…”
    Little Piggy #1: “Ahhh… Ahhhh….. Chooo”.
    Big Bad Wolf: “hmm, i’ll go visit red riding hood today”
    :)

  135. Swine Flu Cant Touch Chuck Norris.

  136. yay for swine flu jokes! I’m currently in bed suffering FROM swine flu so anyone whinging, please do be quiet!

  137. Hay will pmsl change to pmsl POO my self laffing ?

  138. I’m feeling a bit prickly tonight. Do you think I could have the world’s first case of porkupine flu?

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there
    Tish
    Tish Who
    It’s OK I’ll come back another time

  139. Check out this funny swine flu t shirt
    This Daft T Shirt Reads:
    First Mad Cow Disease, Then Bird Flu, Now Swine Flu.
    It’s Farmageddon.

  140. Really True symptoms of Swine Flu
    -You see pigs flying in the sky all the time and even in your dreams.
    -You have a constant urge to eat pork meat.
    -You feel sick when you see others wearing masks and you feel pity for yourself for not wearing one.
    -You think that you are a superhero Pig-man or a Babe-woman
    -You watch ‘Babe’ movie everyday.
    -You always say this to your friends, “I see dead pigs”
    -You apply oinkment all over you.

  141. helloooooo how ahh ahhh choo!!!
    sorry for that sneeze that is not swine flu it is influenza
    got it on hearin the swine flu news i ran away and sat at home and suddenly i saw someone coming i ran and i ran and there i banged on te table fan and ahhh ahhh choo!
    hope you get it na :-)
    :-):-):-):-):-)

  142. This sounds like every weekend since I was 16. So I would have to say I am fully immune to the swine flu.

  143. If you get an email saying you can catch swine flu from tinned pork, delete it, it’s only spam.

  144. dear bil
    i luv u
    cshion

  145. red bulls suppost to give you wings
    but all i got was swine flu

  146. I’m really worried ….Chinese calender ….three years ago, sign of the bull, then mad cow disease; two years ago, sign of the peacock, then bird flu; one year ago, sign of the pig, then swine flu.
    Next year is the sign of the cock.

  147. america caused swine flu..its all obamas fault!!

  148. The sad thing is… I did that… and got swine flu. fml -Oktoberfest ’09 best 2 days ever, worst 3 days of recovery EVER!!!!

  149. i like smileys. :) ;) :( :o :P :D

  150. MY REZ. SCHOOL IS GETTIN INFECTED!!! I NEEED A FACEMASK!!!! JKS

  151. I think you shouldn joke about swine flu. People out there are dying because of swine flu. I live Ireland & Already 950 people has swine flu and 10 people have died linked to swine flu.

  152. THE SWINE MAKE PEOPLE SICK WITH FLU BEACUSE DONT FEEL SO WELL THE FEEL WEEK BEACUSE THEY BODY NEEDS REAST BEACUSE THE THEY GET SICK FROM THEY FAMILY AND THEY KIDS GET SICK FROM SCHOOL

  153. The wolf said to the 3 little pigs “Come out or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”. The littlest pig replied “F*** off or I’ll sneeze on you!”

  154. Don’t sleep with pigs or you will get swine flu.

  155. One symptom you get from swine flu after watching FOX News, is constant snorting from hyped stories.

    FOX News… never serious.
    ——————————————————————-
    But seriously, don’t laugh, it’s a serious virus.

  156. Ah…swine flu, isn’t that just bacon’s revenge?

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