Funny Quotes – Insults

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
– Bette Davis

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Funny Jokes

Something to think about before your next flight. 🙂

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,

and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: The problem logged by the pilot. S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Pancake Recipes

Funny Jokes

Three wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.

The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues. “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He goes on. “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates. Tiny Voices In My Head

Funny Jokes

Don’t be irreplaceable — if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted. leap year joke

Funny Quotes – Insults

He could never see a belt without hitting below it.
– Margot Asquith

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Funny Quotes – Insults

Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
– P. G. Wodehouse

Mark Twain Quotes

All I Need To Know About Leap Year Birthdays,

I Learned From My Cat!

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Joke of the Day

Be finicky – they’ll try harder to please you in four years.

If you don’t like your presents, SULK.

If you get bored at your party – just curl up for a nap.

Don’t stress out over your first gray whisker.

Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.

Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you’re

allowed to hiss and spit.

Take the day off and lie in the sun.

Stay out on the prowl all night long.

Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.

It’s a good day to shed your inhibitions.

If you aren’t getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on

somebody’s leg.

Don’t let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!

And remember…curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won’t!

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