Don’t Mensa your words

Don’t Mensa your words

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n! .): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked t! hrough a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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Christmas Story for people having a bad day….

Christmas Story for people having a bad day….When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming
to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys
were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of
apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, so an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN:

– Your best friends are named after animals.
– Your best shoes have steel toes.
– You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
– Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
– You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
– You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
– You’re only sunburned on the back of your hands.
– You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
– Any day you ride is a good day.
– Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
– Your three piece suit is Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
– Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
– Your garage has more square footage than your house.
– Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines
– You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.

TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
from “The Late Show with David Letterman”

10. Fewer decisions based on wild, drunken hunches
9. Have N.S.A. find out what really happened between Nick and Jessica
8. Stop using Situation Room monitors to play X-Box 360
7. More C-SPAN, less “Yes, Dear”
6. Team up with leading scientists to make Cheetos even cheesier
5. To capture and bring to justice King Kong
4. Beat the twins at beer pong
3. Respond to reporters questions with, “Bitch, don’t go there”
2. Scale back on grueling 12-hour work week
1. “Who needs resolutons? Everythng is fine!”

S I G N S

S I G N S

Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”

Camouflage Store: “Wise guise.”

Chicken Incubator: “Cheepers By The Dozen”

Dormitory Bathtub: “Don’t forget your ring!”

Elevator Door: “This elevator is out of whack… more whack is on order.”

Midget’s Summer House: “TOO LODGE”

Minister’s Bills: “Due unto others.”

Operating Room Entrance: “May I Cut In?”

Restaurant #4: “Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves.”

Restaurant Menu (Texas): “Remember the à la mode!”

Scuba Diving Store: “We carry a complete line of under ware.”

Shoe Shine Stand: “One shoe shined absolutely free.”

Sports Car: “The Keys Are on the Seat Next to the Doberman.”

Tailor Shop (Kowloon): “Customers giving orders will be swiftly executed.”

Towing Company #1: “Call us at any hour. We’re always on our tows.”

Truck (on right rear): “Pass on the right for that off-the-shoulder look.”

Venetian Blind Dealer’s Car: “Watch Out! Blind Man Driving!”

Waterbed Shop: “Your vinyl resting place.”

Weight-reduction Store: “A word to the wides is sufficient.” and “Stop! Look! Lessen!”

Wrestling Gym: “Our sport gets a hold on you.”

Wrigley Factory: “Gum in.”

Could You Help?

Could You Help?

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child. What can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father….next!”

IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING:

IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING:

Normally we avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but we felt

this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove

to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can,

Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and

millions were wiped clean!

It’s a tough market out there. Be careful.