Christmas Gifts

What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift

Hey! There’s a gift!

Well, well, well …

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.

If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to
charity.

I really don’t deserve this.

It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this
from me.

Christmas Jokes 

Sayings

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New Lexus 450

I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I
couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio
was voice activated.
 
“Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio.
 
The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
 
“Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
 
Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind”
replaced Willie Nelson.
 
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say,
“Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
“Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs.
 
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I
swerved in time to avoid them.   I yelled, “Ass Holes!”
 
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with
John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy
Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax
and Ted Kennedy on scotch.