Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

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Funny Horse Joke

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best
of breed.

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever
seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than
yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No
foot, no horse!”

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit
better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I
know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective
work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your
genius ferrier!”

The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, “You’re
right. I stand corrected.”

Funny Rancher Joke

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

Funny Jokes

Great Steaks

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten
downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over
the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large,
delicious, gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the
smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter.
“Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak.
Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the
window.”

Funny Joke

Problem Solved?

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discovered
it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the
homeowner had just called them in a panic.

It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?

Funny Jokes

If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is
transportation!

Funny Pool Jokes

Fun Activities for the Pool

– Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

– Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

– Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

– Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

– Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

– Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

– When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

– Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.

– Hit strangers with your wet towel.

– Throw people’s things into the pool.

– Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

– Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

– Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.