Funny Dying Irish Nun Joke

Funny Jokes – The Dying Irish Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

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Funny Temp Joke

Advantages of Being a Temp

You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children’s school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.
No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
You can avoid the internal “war.” I once Temp’d at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn’t even speak with the other… it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.
Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away…and the “customer” PHB can (often) be ignored.
Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo!
Leaving at 4:30.
You get to hear the words, “Good job” and, ‘Please stay” frequently.
You don’t give a rat’s hoohaa what the stock is doing.
Eight Words: “It was like that when I got here.”

Funny Element Joke

Newly Discovered Element

Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.

Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Although Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium’s sample mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “critical morass.” You will recognize it when it occurs.

Swine Flu Jokes

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes

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Quotes Sayings Recipes Jokes

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Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Source: Flu Jokes

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Funny Panda Joke

Panda Lunch

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Funny Temp Joke

Advantages of Being a Temp

You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.

You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.

Trying on a different personality at each new job site.

You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children’s school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.

No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.

You can avoid the internal “war.” I once Temp’d at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn’t even speak with the other… it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.

Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away…and the “customer” PHB can (often) be ignored.

Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo!

Leaving at 4:30.

You get to hear the words, “Good job” and, ‘Please stay” frequently.

You don’t give a rat’s hoohaa what the stock is doing.

Eight Words: “It was like that when I got here.”

Funny Joke

Newly Discovered Element

Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.

Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Although Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium’s sample mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “critical morass.” You will recognize it when it occurs.