How to avoid the flu

How to avoid the flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the
elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So……I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

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Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is
nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.

The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Late for Work

Late for Work

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my
reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I
stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the
morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the
driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield:

“Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car
disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”

Funny Jokes – Chinese Laundry

Funny Jokes – Chinese Laundry

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.

When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, “USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!”

Quotes

Birthday Jokes – A Special Birthday This Week.

A Special Birthday This Week.

Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast.

Funny Jokes

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Limericks

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Limericks 

 A really old vampire named “Tex”
Is “out for blood” and I suspect
He’s not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It’s you who will likely be necks

Now Gail is a heckuva Ghostess
I say this but then I can boastess
She’ll come up and coo,
Well, how do you ‘boo’
She is the Ghostess with the Mostess

The mummy was looking quite dapper
“Got rich from my music, Old Chapper
‘Cause the music that comes
When my bandages hum
Has made me the world’s greatest wrapper!”

From the pyramid when one exhumes
A mummy, he’s mute we presumes
But you’ll know when one’s coming
By listening for humming
He doesn’t know words, just the tombs

The invisible man takes great pleasure
When ever someone comes and says “Your
Invisible, Eh?”
Then just go away.”
He thrives on such rude disappear pressure

Lon Chaney once met Mister Hyde
Who had the poor fellow tongue tide
When Hyde asked “Is that hair
That you wear, wash & wear
Or do you wear wolf just inside?”
The Wolfman eventually replied
I wash my hide, Hyde, just in Tide
I’m a wash & wear wolf
Though I say so my sulf
My hide is a great source of pride.

And what of your trousers, perchance are
They off somewhere hiding? Please answer
For coming up soon
We will see a full moon
If you can’t explain now where your pants are.

To frighten the chicks Tom devises
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is
His gobblin’ will fool
Those chicks so uncool
This poultry guised pullets surprises

The vamp gives the chickens a fright
When they see him they always take flight
But there’s one that he catches
Whose jewelry he snatches
And he flies with his capon all night
One of those dead old
pha-raohs
Once asked his dad why ’twas he was
“Now I’m just a dummy
So go ask your mummy
But she will just tell you, ‘Be gauze'”

The famous Egyptian King Tut
Had a fabulous musical butt
“But some people thinks
My music, it sphynx
I blow toots uncommon, so what?”

When the full moon is giving its glow
The hair on this fellow will grow!
But you never will creep
Upon him in his sleep,
That’s why he’s aware-wolf, you know!

Without fangs you’ll hear vampires complain
“Hey this sucks!” but I’d like to explain
If they can’t make you bleed
They will never succeed
And their biting will all be in vein

Dracula must suck blood to live.
Fortunately, virgins have much to give!
He cuts through the tripe,
Asks if they match his type,
And they respond with, “O Positive!”

Count Dracula, lanky and slight,
And eschewing a heartier bite,
Was growing bulimic
On victims anemic.
He insisted on making it Blood Lite.

Funny Jokes – Cursing and Sleeping

Funny Jokes – Cursing and Sleeping
Waking up after a restless night, Annie turned to her husband Sam and frowned.

“I can’t believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!”

Sam replied, “Who was sleeping?”