Tossing wine…

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this.”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about
his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,”
the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been
treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done
a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I
suggested?” the bartender asked, once again serving the man
a glass of white wine.

“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then
he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The
doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he sputtered.

“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me a world of
good.”

“But you threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender
exclaimed.

“Yes,” the man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me
anymore!”

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Dear John letter

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others.”

Oh, Gramma

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
“queen size.”

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed.”

Skim Milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

“Sure, it’s fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. “Why do you ask?”

The daughter explained, “Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!”

Funny Quotes

Breakfast time…

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!

“WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to
STICK!

“Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY?

“Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What’s wrong with you? You think I
don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I’m driving.”

Life or Death Issue

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing
parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.

“You gotta help me find my parrot!” she said.

The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that,
ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”

But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be
concerned.  “The parrot should fly back in a few days.” he said.

Full of desperation, the lady cried, “But you don’t understand!
The only thing he says is ‘Here, kitty, kitty!!!'”

House Fires – Jokes Funny

THIS JUST IN:

The smoke detector industry and the insurance industry are covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

Insurance Jokes