Out Of The Mouths Of Babes…

Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a
family. One little boy in the picture had a different colour hair than
the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a
little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.”
“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child. “It means,” said
the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

Mr. Fenton is no longer welcome in WalMart

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled
and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department


Re: Mr. Bill Fenton – Complaints – 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code
3’ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
“Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;
then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

Season Opener

Former stripper Anna Benson caught her husband, ex-New York Mets
pitcher Kris Benson, cheating on her and she once vowed that if she
did, she would sleep with the entire Mets organization. So, once
again, the Mets are screwed even before the season starts.
(Alex Kaseberg)

Wake and Bake


Wake and Bake: to attend an Irish funeral and a cremation in the same day.
(Not to be confused with rising in the a.m. to the smell of marijuana)



At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Pauly seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

After school, Pauly goes to visit uncle T.O.P. who suffers from joints
pains and says, “Pauly, can you please bring me a glass of water. I
can’t get up with this pain in my side.”

Pauly: “Uncle, you’re going to have a wife!”


As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered
with a smile. “Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very
discouraged.” “Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his
face. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”



123. Who was the famous French monkey general?
Ape-oleon Baboon-aparte

126. What fish drink too much?

129. How do stupid fish do everything?
Bass ackward.

131.Did you hear about the female basset hound that placed a
classified ad in the newspaper?
It read: “Wanted. Handsome male basset. Object: Bassinet.”

133.Wife bat: “Would you like to go out for a bite tonight?”
Husband: “No. I think I’ll just hang around.”

145. Three vampire bats swoop into a bar.
“What’ll you have?” asks the waitress.
“Blood,” says the biggest one.
“Blood,” says the middle-sized one.
“Plasma,” says the smallest one.
The waitress turns and calls out to the bartender, “Two bloods and a
blood light.”

147. Beagles should be kept under lox and keys.

153. Eating bear meat is a grizzly experience.

180.Did you hear about the singers in Yellowstone National Park?
They’re bear-itones.


187. What did the beaver say to the tree?
“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

198. What do you say to a sad beaver?
“Why the log face?”

More Funny Jokes