Funny Jokes – Lawyer Jokes – Lunch

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat
your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged
sandwiches.

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Kids’ Deep Thoughts

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! –Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple
of days saved up. — Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. — Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. — Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. — Age 15

Funny Jokes – Baking cookies with your cat!

Funny Joke – Baking cookies with your cat!

Baking Cookies (with your cat)
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat’s nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now.
Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled
and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches
on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen …Oh Golly … now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat’s tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies!!!

Halloween Jokes

This just in from Thelly the Story Lady in Cardiff by the Sea – She just had knee replacement surgery.

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from
knocking on the door.

9.  You have to have another kid
chew the candy for you.


8.  You ask for high
fiber candy only.



7.  When someone drops a candy
 in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.



6.  People say: “Great
Boris Karloff Mask,”
   
And you’re not wearing a mask.




5.  When the door opens you yell,
“Trick or .”And can’t remember the rest.





4.  By the end of the night, you
have a bag full of restraining orders.


3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.


2.  You’re the only Power Ranger
in the neighborhood with a walker.


And the number one reason
Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…
*

*

*

1.  You keep having
to go home to pee.


No matter, have a ‘HAPPY
HALLOWEEN” anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guess I’m the only Trick or Treater in the neighborhood with a walker…but it’s getting me from here to there until my new knee gets better…whenever that is!

 

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
My Blog: http://storyladyincardiffbythesea.blogspot.com/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/life-story-writing/   
For Thelly Thoughts go to:  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ThellyThoughts
Share at Thelly’s Spiritual Retreat http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/

Funny Jokes – MY kind of woman

Funny Jokes – MY kind of woman

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man
entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and
whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one condition.” (There are always
conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20
bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said….

“Clean my house.”

Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes – Kids’ Deep Thoughts

Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” —

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? — Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. — Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. — Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. — Age 6

Funny Jokes – Stupid Questions

Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?

Below are questions that people “actually asked” of Park Rangers
around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit
to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park…
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park…
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)…
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?