Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

4th of July Jokes

4th of July Jokes

Funny Jokes4th of July Jokes

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington’s favorite tree?
The infantry!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

4th of July Quotes

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of ’76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

4th of July Quotes

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

What march would you play at a jungle parade?
“Tarzan Stripes Forever”!

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they’re both cracked!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Fourth of July Recipes

Funny Jokes – Bee Sting

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’

Funny Jokes – Asking for Directions

Stopping For Directions

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and
course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The
pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said
“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer.”

I’ll hold your monkey for you

Funny Jokes …

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off.

Go ahead; I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Funny Jokes – Unions

Labor Day…. Without Unions

NEW RULES FOR THE OFFICE – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.

Army – Air Force

There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals”

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”

The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to come.”