A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia. The doctor
turned to her and asked, “Have you ever had this before?”
A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
Stopping For Directions
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and
course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The
pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said
“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer.”
Funny Jokes …
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off.
Go ahead; I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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Labor Day…. Without Unions
NEW RULES FOR THE OFFICE – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
The wife was reading a newspaper, while her husband, was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife
for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” said the husband, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, the wife said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” she said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over.”
HOW TO BATHE YOUR CAT
1) First …. dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2) A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3) Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No… blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4) Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5) Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
6) Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom speed is essential. In one single liquid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he’s madder than hell.
7) As best, you can, wearing welder’s gloves, try to field his body as he
catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another
squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8) During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9) Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will
realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next
attempt on the first available part of you.
10) Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11) If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and
hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12) Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure.
Open bathroom door …. put towel-wrapped cat on floor and step back
quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can
see is the shredded towel.
13) In about 2 hours …. it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat
will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while
plotting revenge. But doesn’t he smell better?????
Music To My Ears
I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a
rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making
“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor
conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks,
put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”
A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to
hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the
front, and call you a conductor.”