Holiday Gift Wrap

Wrapping Paper for the Holidays

A gift this week from a friend was wrapped in thick blue paper with this printed statement repeated in a pattern all over the gift wrap.

Have a Satisfactory
Non-Denominational
Capitalist Wintertime
Gift-Giving Season

Funny Jokes

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The Ticket

The Ticket

Sy comes home after his mother’s funeral to try to put the place in order.

He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.

Looking in it, he discovers his father’s WWll uniform.

Sy tries it on and it’s a little tight on him.

Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket.

Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman’s on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1945.

He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 61 years old.

Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was.

He can’t believe his good luck, the shoe repair store is still there.

He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old shoemaker.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 65 years.

“Gimme the ticket” says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Sy is amazed.

What good fortune!

What a coincidence!

Only in America!

Herman comes back.

“I’ve still got your shoes. They’ll be done Friday!”

Awesome Anagrams

Awesome Anagrams

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Funny Jokes – Out in the Country

When you’re from the country you look at things a little differently

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’

‘He went with Mom and Dad.’

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.

‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’

Armed Robber – Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes – Armed Robber

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’

Funny Jokes – A Dieter’s Christmas

A Dieter’s Christmas (a bit late, but good for a chuckle!)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watchers dropout from sugar detox.

>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds, now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn,
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry:
If temptation’s removed, I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’till I take that first bite!

How Can I Help?

Funny Scrooge Joke

YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:
– Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
– You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
– You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
– Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
– Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.
– Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.
– You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
– You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
– Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
– Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
– Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
– You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
– Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
– You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
– Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.
– Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir.
– Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.