Camping in Yellowstone

A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone
National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather
firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found
their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large
bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and ran off.
 
Distraught, his friends found a park ranger and told him what happened.
The ranger agreed to help find their friend. After a short search, they
found two bears sleeping close to the campsite. The ranger asked the
men which one attacked their friend. Unfortunately, they didn’t know.
 
The ranger studied the bears. After a moment, he pointed at the male
bear. “That’s the one that ate your friend.” Then, he pulled out a
knife and cut the bear open. Of course, the missing tourist wasn’t
inside.
 
The moral of the story: Don’t believe anyone who says the Czech is in
the male!

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Penguins go to the Zoo

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs
across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The
van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo
to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a
truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be
there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two
dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards
the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and
heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he’s
driving down the road, he see’s Kimo and the busload of
penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van
around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the
bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate
voice he asks, “Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100
dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?”

“Calm down,” Kimo says. “I took the penguins to the zoo. We
had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies!”

At the Playground…

We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.

My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to
his brother.

“Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.”
“Go down the slide while sitting, only.”
“Only one child on a swing at a time.”
(There were a good twenty rules.)

The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play
without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the
picnic table.

Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them
play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On
the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head
first!

I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them,
again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Dad…no one uses the slide rule
anymore!”

Collateral

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a
loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
“What are you going to do with the money?”

“Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of
the loan.Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the
banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put in tepee.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“Don’t know deposit.”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for
collateral?”

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think
of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he
decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to
begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one
look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and
that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty,
guilty, guilty!’ So your Honor, I can not possibly stay on
this jury!”

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, “Get back in the
jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

Fish memorial service

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What
are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s
because he’s inside your cat!”

The wrong color

A woman went to the  undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband.

The instant she saw  him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide  comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains  that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried  in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies  in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she  returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert  before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back  the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is  resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the  undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday  afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was  brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that  she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a  black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at  the man.

He continued, “After  that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”