Walked Into a Bar

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

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Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, A Yankee Doodle do or die,
A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam, Born on the Fourth of July!
I’ve got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, She’s my Yankee Doodle joy.
Yankee Doodle came to London, Just to ride the ponies.
I AM THAT YANKEE DOODLE BOY!
– George M. Cohan – from Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)

You’re a grand old flag,
You’re a high flying flag
And forever in peace may you wave.
You’re the emblem of, the land I love,
The home of the free and the brave.
Ev’ry heart beats true ‘neath the Red, White and Blue,
Where there’s never a boast or brag.
But should auld acquaintance be forgot,
Keep you eye on the grand old flag.
– George M. Cohan, You’re A Grand Old Flag

God bless America, land that I love,
Stand beside her, and guide her,
Through the night, with the light from above,
From the mountains, to the prairies
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, my home sweet home,
God bless America! My Home Sweet Home!
– Irving Berlin, God Bless America

Lots More Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

Funny Jokes – Tax Jokes – Tax Collector

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm.

“Do you serve tax collectors?”, he asks the barman.

“Of course”, says the barman.

“Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.

Holy Humor – Sweet Nothings…

Funny Jokes – Sweet Nothings…

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.’

The old man hung his head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

More Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes – Breakfast

I Got Breakfast!

I try to be creative at disguising obvious gifts when wrapping Christmas presents. One year I bought a video for my four-year-old son, and not wanting him to guess what it was, I put it in a cereal box, wrapped it and put it under the tree.

Christmas morning he tore off the paper, let out a whoop and exclaimed, “Look, Mom, I got breakfast!”

Looks Like Fun – Funny Jokes

Fun

One day, a country boy, who liked the neighbor girl found himself lucky enough to be sitting with her on the top rail of the cattle pen.  As they watched a bull servicing a cow, he  turned to her, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, and said, ‘That looks like it would be fun.”

She looked over at him, and replied, rather dubiously, “Well…  she’s your cow.”

The Wager

The Wager

A man walks to the bartender and bets $100 that he can piss into a shot glass placed on the opposite end of the bar and not spill a drop. The bartender takes the bet and sets up the shot glass. The man then starts pissing all over the bar, not even close the shot glass.
The bartender starts jumping up and down, yelling “Yahoo!” Another man at the back of the bar suddenly grabs a chair and, swearing loudly, smashes it against the wall. The bartender says, “What’s with him?” The man replies, “Oh, I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and make you happy.”