Funny Stories – Better New Words

Funny Stories

Better New Words

Kathleen Austin

Better New Words by Kathee Austin

Thanks to the authors of New Words and More Words, who challenged this brain dead mind of mine to THINK again! Please check back often as the list of definitions below is likely to grow.  Words That Don’t Exist

More word definitions:

Pizzacide (peet’ suh side)v. The act of picking up the pizza dough to knead it and discovering that it wasn’t quite dough yet as it slithers through your fingers on it’s way to the floor.

Escapaholic (ess cape uh hall’ ik)n. A person who mistakenly thinks that if they press their escape key over and over and over again it will stop any action on their pc no matter what.

Omigoshimdeadmeat (Oh my gosh, I’m dead meat)v. That sinking feeling you get when you gossip about the person you just received an email from and discover too late that you used the reply icon instead of the forward icon and sent your repsonse back to the same person you’re gossiping about.

Forwardmailfunctionnormal (for wurd may il funk shun nor mul)n. A wise person who always uses the forward mail icon when gossiping about a person they just received email from.

Chorepalsy (chor pawl’ zee)n. A person who can no longer do housework due to paralysis of certain housework cleaning muscles.

Workthosekidsophobia (wurk thoz kidz oh foe be uh)n. Fear of making your kids do all the work around the house.

Bribethemtheywilldoitation (br eye b thehm thay wil du it ay shun)v. The act of paying mega bucks to lure your teens do work around the house.

Teledextrous (tel eh dex trus)v. The ability to clean house while talking on your cordless phone.

Pcdextrous (pee see dex trus)v. The amazing ability to clean house while working on your personal computer.

Wysiwyg (wuht yu see iz wuht yu git)n. 1. A person who is self confident and puts on no pretense. 2. A housework challenged homemaker who doesn’t try to hide the fact that they are challenged. 3. What the mother see’s of her house when she comes home from work and discovers the kids have already been home. 4. The teenager’s bedroom.

Cat Jokes – Theories Of Cat Behavior

Clean Jokes

Cat behavior – Theories Of Cat Behavior

LAW OF CAT INERTIA A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE As yet undiscovered.

Cat Quotes

FAMOUS PEOPLE: JOB INTERVIEWS

Funny Jokes

JOKE:  FAMOUS PEOPLE: JOB INTERVIEWS
Julius Caesar – My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James – I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette – My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to
think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine – I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet – My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia – My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora – I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan – My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized
my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

MacBeth – Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who
would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva – What do you mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis – My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?

Funny Quotes – Canada

Quote of the Day – Funny Quotes – Canada

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

– Pierre Trudeau

More Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes – College Humor

Funny Jokes – College Humor – University Examination

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”
The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.
“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“GOOD!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

It worked. The professor really didn’t know who he was!

Blonde Joke

Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. “Honey, are you okay?” he asks her. ”

Yes” she replies.

“Then what are you doing?” he asks.

“I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house.” she replies. ”

Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?” he asks.

“Well,” she replies “I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said…..

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

Out of Office Auto-Replies

Funny Jokes – Out of the Office Auto-Replies

You are receiving this automatic notification because I amout of the office.  If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st.

Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.