Funny Stories – Better New Words

Funny Stories

Better New Words

Kathleen Austin

Better New Words by Kathee Austin

Thanks to the authors of New Words and More Words, who challenged this brain dead mind of mine to THINK again! Please check back often as the list of definitions below is likely to grow.  Words That Don’t Exist

More word definitions:

Pizzacide (peet’ suh side)v. The act of picking up the pizza dough to knead it and discovering that it wasn’t quite dough yet as it slithers through your fingers on it’s way to the floor.

Escapaholic (ess cape uh hall’ ik)n. A person who mistakenly thinks that if they press their escape key over and over and over again it will stop any action on their pc no matter what.

Omigoshimdeadmeat (Oh my gosh, I’m dead meat)v. That sinking feeling you get when you gossip about the person you just received an email from and discover too late that you used the reply icon instead of the forward icon and sent your repsonse back to the same person you’re gossiping about.

Forwardmailfunctionnormal (for wurd may il funk shun nor mul)n. A wise person who always uses the forward mail icon when gossiping about a person they just received email from.

Chorepalsy (chor pawl’ zee)n. A person who can no longer do housework due to paralysis of certain housework cleaning muscles.

Workthosekidsophobia (wurk thoz kidz oh foe be uh)n. Fear of making your kids do all the work around the house.

Bribethemtheywilldoitation (br eye b thehm thay wil du it ay shun)v. The act of paying mega bucks to lure your teens do work around the house.

Teledextrous (tel eh dex trus)v. The ability to clean house while talking on your cordless phone.

Pcdextrous (pee see dex trus)v. The amazing ability to clean house while working on your personal computer.

Wysiwyg (wuht yu see iz wuht yu git)n. 1. A person who is self confident and puts on no pretense. 2. A housework challenged homemaker who doesn’t try to hide the fact that they are challenged. 3. What the mother see’s of her house when she comes home from work and discovers the kids have already been home. 4. The teenager’s bedroom.

Cat Jokes – Theories Of Cat Behavior

Clean Jokes

Cat behavior – Theories Of Cat Behavior

LAW OF CAT INERTIA A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE As yet undiscovered.

Cat Quotes

FAMOUS PEOPLE: JOB INTERVIEWS

Funny Jokes

JOKE:  FAMOUS PEOPLE: JOB INTERVIEWS
Julius Caesar – My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James – I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette – My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to
think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine – I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet – My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia – My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora – I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan – My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized
my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

MacBeth – Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who
would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva – What do you mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis – My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?

Funny Quotes – Canada

Quote of the Day – Funny Quotes – Canada

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

– Pierre Trudeau

More Funny Quotes