A DOG’S RULES FOR CHRISTMAS

- Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the surprises by
opening all their presents.
- Christmas light bulbs, Christmas ornaments, Christmas stockings, and
tinsel from the Christmas tree are not food.
- I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new
Christmas rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when
the wind chill is -10 F.
- I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights
out into the backyard through the doggy door.
- I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes
(which I would eat -- paper and all, then puke on the presents).
- I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of
the stocking!
- I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree or
piddling on the dining room rug.
- I will not get into a fight with the bigger dog next door, making my
human have to call the vet's at Christmas.
- I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the
tree down while trying to get at a cat through the conservatory window.
- I will not pee on Grandma's Christmas presents that are under her
tree as soon as we enter her house.
- I will not pee on the Christmas tree.
- I will not steal the neighbor's Christmas light bulbs.
- The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog dish. I will not
drink from it. It will make me sick.

https://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/

http://quotes.wordpress.com/

http://sayings.wordpress.com/

http://www.christmaschristmaschristmas.com/

Christmas Golf – Golf on Christmas

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ and she said, “Take a sweater…”

He Figured It Out – Santa Claus

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus.  Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

Santa Claus Jokes

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:  Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:  I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:  Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:  Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and .  .  .

PARANOID:  Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:  You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION:  Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is
Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ……..  (better start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:  On The First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Christmas Carols